The Songs of The Grief Book

At three in the morning yesterday... err, today, I sent off a draft of my latest YA novel to my agent. We'll call it The Grief Book for now since that is how I operate--no real titles, just vague descriptions--when talking about book that are not yet published in public. It's a contemporary YA about girl who's lost her older brother, and while not really coping with that, ends up in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've been working on it since August. I've been completely immersed in getting it finished for the past couple weeks. It's been practically all I thought about, so I almost don't know what to do with myself now. I'm still just living it, in my head, and especially, as usual through music.

For a long time I couldn't write while listening to music. I would create playlists of songs that reminded me of the story that I would listen when do everything but writing to keep me inspired, but while I was typing, especially drafting, my office remained silent. That started to change last year with the (abandoned for now, but being rethought) Modern Myth YA, and when I started working on The Grief Book, I realized I needed a certain sound and I needed it on repeat while working. Those bands have shifted and changed from the beginning to the end (because you do get sick of listening to the same thing day in and day out, no matter how much you love it) and my playlist for this book is a couple of scattered songs mixed with full albums and sometimes entire catalogs of certain bands. There's over a hundred songs on it.... and I still think I listened to it at least twice yesterday.

Anyway since that music still feels like MY SOUL right now because this book is still MY SOUL, I thought I'd share some of it via this YouTube playlist. 

It's pretty much in the order that I discovered that I needed the songs/bands as my muse. The two Hole songs have been with me since I started this project and so has the Dinosaur Jr. song. They were the first band I was inspired to listen to over and over again while writing. Green Mind, Where You Been, and Without a Sound are all on the playlist in full.

I added Farewell Continental to my list of inspirations pretty early on, too, and "New Tile Floor" especially speaks to the story/characters. The Wheels are a local band whose whole EP is on my playlist, but "Front Porch" is the song I listen to most.  I have a character named Riley and one named Justin and the songs with their names in suit them or their story arc in a way. The first Sunny Day Real Estate album is on the playlist mostly in full, but "In Circles," is totally a theme song. "Reach for the Sky" and "Blackbird" both figure into the story directly. "Try" could be a theme song for my main character, Meredith, and "What Sarah Said" pretty much sums up the worst day of her life, and "One Last Time" by Veruca Salt (which I sadly couldn't find a full version of on YouTube) is telling of her relationship. As for "Say Hello to Heaven," well, it is The Grief Book.

In terms of the other bands whose albums appear in full on my personal playlist, when I needed to go beyond Dinosaur Jr., I turned to Hum, a favorite from my high school years, whose music and lyrics work as well as Dinosaur setting the mood for this story. The Soulsavers were my biggest discovery during the writing of this book. My friend Jenny introduced me to them at the end of January and I pretty much listened to their albums "Broken" and "It's Not How Far You Fall, It's How You Land" on repeat for the past two months while shaping the last part of the book. When I needed a break from that, and was craving a female voice, I realized Mazzy Star was perfect.

So there it is, the new book in songs.

And now to take a week or two off while my agent reads it. Well, now to TRY to take a week off from it mentally.

What Haunted Me at 17--a celebration of Nova Ren Suma's new book, 17 & Gone

Nova Ren Suma’s new novel, 17 & Gone, comes out this week on March 21, and to mark the release of this story about a 17-year-old girl haunted by the missing, she’s asked some authors she knows to join her in answering this question… What haunted YOU at 17? To see all the authors taking part, be sure to visit her blog distraction99.com.

I've raved about Nova's first YA novel, Imaginary Girls, all over the internet (including in this review on Rookie) and I am eagerly awaiting my copy of 17 & Gone, so I was thrilled when she asked me to take part in this event.

Okay... what haunted ME at 17?

Well, that's actually quite a list. See, this is me at 17:

And I would look even more haunted a few weeks after this photo was taken when I dyed my bleached hair jet-black to match the lipstick and eyeliner that I'm wearing there.

17 was the year I started listening to Joy Division, Nick Cave, Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Bauhaus and The Smiths a lot more than the grunge, riot grrrl, and punk bands I'd been listening to. Disintegration by the Cure had taken the place of In Utero by Nirvana as my favorite album. (Not that Kurt Cobain's lyrics didn't still haunt me and so did his suicide which had been haunting me since 14.) My favorite movie was City of Lost Children, a French film about a mad scientist, who kidnaps children and steals their dreams.

I felt like my dreams had been stolen.

I had a lot of nightmares.

Two were recurring. In one, I ran an obstacle course supervised by anthropomorphic cartoon animals--pigs, cows, bears, like something out of a Richard Scarry picture book. Except they were evil. The pig stands out in particular. He wore mirrored shades like the stereotypical asshole cop. (Oh, pig... cop... Yeah, I guess my nightmarish subconscious had a sense of humor at least...) He yelled at me as I tried to go through the obstacles, my limbs too heavy like they always are in dreams when you have to move quickly. At least in my dreams. That cartoon pig berated me, laughed when I fell. I would never make it through. I would never reclaim my stolen dreams.

The second nightmare was about Him. In it, he chased me through an old house. It was even harder to run from him than it was to do that obstacle course. Like slogging through quicksand. So he always caught me. Caught me and stabbed a big needle into the bare flesh of my thigh. The place where I carved his initial when I went to the bathroom one day during study hall. I carved it and then I X'd it out. With a razor blade. Lots of blood. I felt like I was going to faint, but instead I put pressure on it until it clotted and then I went  back to class.

Yes, He haunted me most at 17. At 16, too. And 15, when I met him. The boy who stole my dreams. The boy who'd turned me angry, then sad, then both. The boy I loved, then hated, but still loved... Memories of his long eyelashes haunted me. His smell. The mixture of unwashed hair, cigarettes, and a deodorant that I couldn't identify by brand, but sometimes even now, more than fifteen years later, I'll catch a whiff in a crowded room of someone wearing it, or someone whose scents combine like his did. My heart will race. I'll panic. I'll feel sick.

He didn't always make me feel that way though and that's part of what haunted me at 17. That I still liked to wear his pajamas. That I could remember exactly how he looked during that weekend he stayed in our guest room because he'd been kicked out of his house. His black hair against my old E.T. sheets.

But the rain--the rain I'd always loved--it haunted me at 17 because it reminded me of the day that haunted me most of all. April 11, 1995. I still remember the exact date almost 18 years later. The day I told him, No. And then he ignored me, tormented me in the subtle, emotionally abusive ways he'd perfected. My friend convinced him to go into a room and talk to me. He only wanted one word, though. Yes. I gave it, and he didn't even notice the tears in my eyes.

Then, in the weeks that followed, there were lunch "dates" in that dirty bathroom by the baseball diamonds at Ridgeland Commons. It had a brown door. A grate in the floor that would imprint on my knee when he told me to get on them, acting like this was sexy, adventurous. With my back to him, I could cry.

That bathroom, which smelled of piss and him and me, that haunted me a lot at 17. Before I left town, I wrote his name in blood on the brown door. And the R-word, even though I wasn't sure I was actually allowed to use it because technically, I'd said yes. Without realizing it, I'd given a blanket Yes that very first time.

That first time was pretty. It was us stripped and sweet. It was Urge Overkill's "Bottle of Fur"  on the stereo. Saturation was the album. The album that haunted me so bad at 17; that haunts me still. I've never really been able to listen to it again.

Loving Him haunted me. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't still miss the good times, I thought at 17.

Hating Him haunted me. The anger it took over my life, so all-consuming that it cost me friends.

My scars haunted me. My nightmares. My stolen dreams. My blood. Almost every thought in my head haunted me at 17, but the thing that haunted me the most was that I had no idea who I was anymore. No idea where I was going. Everything had been consumed by the love/hate/sad/angry/nightmare/stolen dream.

The only thing that didn't haunt me were the words, though. The words the poured out of me into black-and-white composition books, on to the keys of the typewriter I'd decided I wanted more than a computer, into my short stories, into my 'zines. The words were ugly sometimes. They reflected everything that haunted me.

But, somehow, they set me free.

GCC Presents: Jessica Brody!

One of my lovely gals from the Girlfriends Cyber Circuit has a new book out that sounds amazing. So I wanted to say a big CONGRATS to Jessica Brody on the release of UNREMEMBERED and tell you all about it, so you can check it out!

About UNREMEMBERED:


The only thing worse than forgetting her past...is remembering it.

When Freedom Airlines flight 121 went down over the Pacific Ocean, no one ever expected to find a single survivor; which is why the sixteen-year-old girl discovered floating amid the wreckage—alive—is making headlines across the globe. She has no memories of boarding the plane. She has no memories of her life before the crash. She has no memories…period. As she struggles to piece together her forgotten past and discover who she really is, every clue raises more questions. Her only hope is a strangely alluring boy who claims to know her. Who claims they were in love. But can she really trust him? And will he be able to protect her from the people who have been making her forget?

Set in a world where science knows no boundaries and memories are manipulated UNREMEMBERED by Jessica Brody is the first novel in a compelling, romantic, and suspenseful new sci-fi trilogy for teens.

About the author:

JESSICA BRODY knew from a young age that she wanted to be a writer. She started self “publishing” her own books when she was seven years old, binding the pages together with cardboard, wallpaper samples and electrical tape. She is the author of 52 Reasons to Hate My Father, My Life Undecided, The Karma Club, and now, Unremembered. Her books have been translated and published in over 15 countries. She currently splits her time between California and Colorado. www.jessicabrody.com

The Interview:

Q: What inspired you to write this book?

JESSICA: A few years ago, I read a newspaper article about a teen girl who was the sole survivor of a plane crash. I was instantly fascinated by the story. Namely because they had no idea why she survived when no else did. I started brainstorming reasons as to why she was so lucky. One particular reason (a rather intricate, science-fiction-inspired one) stuck in my mind and refused to leave. It continued to grow and blossom until I had an idea for an entire trilogy. A trilogy that starts with a mysterious plane crash and a single survivor.

Q: The main character of my first book, I WANNA BE YOUR JOEY RAMONE, is the kind of girl I wanted to be (a rock star!), the MC of my second book has a lot more in common with teenage me. Is your main character someone you wish you could be, someone a lot like you, or your total opposite? How so?

JESSICA: Oh, did I have fun creating this main character! Talk about living vicariously through her! Although I wouldn’t want to wake up among the wreckage of a plane crash with no memories of my life, I definitely would love to have some of Seraphina’s abilities. She can speak multiple languages (something I’ve always wanted to do), she can read a full book in under 3 minutes (I’m a slow reader, so this was definitely aspirational) and she’s superhero strong (I have trouble lifting my carry-on suitcase into the overhead bin!) So yeah, Seraphina is kind of an idol to me.


Q: In addition to writing books, I also write for a website for teens called Rookie, which has a regular feature called "Literally The Best Thing Ever," wherein we write about a thing that we think is super mega awesome (even if it is the type of thing that others might call a guilty pleasure, we believe there is nothing guilty about pleasure!) and explain why we think it is literally the best thing ever. It's generally a kind of unexpected thing, for example I wrote one about the soap opera, One Life To Live. I don't expect you to write a whole essay obviously, but can you briefly tell us what either you or your character (or both!) would say is "Literally The Best Thing Ever" and why?

JESSICA: My main character has no memories of anything when the book opens. Not her name, not her past, not even her favorite color. So when her foster mother asks her what her favorite food is so she can cook it for dinner, Seraphina doesn’t know what to tell her. The foster mother decides to cook the ultimate comfort food: A grilled cheese sandwich. And this is essentially the first experience Seraphina has with food. The experience is overwhelming for her. The flavor explodes in her mouth. She is so in love with this grilled cheese sandwich. It is literally the best thing she’s ever tasted!

I chose a grilled cheese sandwich for a reason. I wanted something that felt very “every day” for you and me, but was world-exploding for Sera, so that I could emphasize just how out of touch with modern day life she really is.

Q: What are you working on for us next?

JESSICA:I just finished writing book 2 of the Unremembered Trilogy, which is called UNFORGOTTEN. And I’m gearing up to start working on book 3, which is called UNTITLED. Haha! But seriously, I’m thinking of keeping that title. What do you think?

GCC Presents: Melissa Walker!

This week one of my favorite books by one of my favorite girlfriends from the Girlfriends Cyber Circuit is being released in paperback. (Whew, trying saying that mouthful ten times fast!) I'm talking about SMALL TOWN SINNERS by Melissa Walker.

I seriously cannot tell you how much I adored this book, so if you haven't read it yet, now is the time to pick it up the paperback version with this lovely new zoomed-in cover:

When the hard cover came out, I did a full book lowdown/interview with Melissa which you can find here. In celebration of the paperback release, Melissa has sent me this fun little background tidbit about the book:

Before I write the book, I do little interviews with some characters. That information almost never makes it into the manuscript, but I like having it. Here's a tiny bit from Dean, one of main character Lacey Anne's best friends:

What you love about your town?

I like the way the sun sets. I like the sky at night in the dark, when no one can see me and it’s quiet—no one can even hear me, but I can see a million stars.

What you hate about your town?

The bullies. Is there a place without them?

What do you love about your church?

The messages. I do want things to be the way our pastor says they should be. I wish people actually lived by the rules, but it seems like they just repent one day a week.

Future dreams?

To get out of here.

END

In addition to this, Melissa wanted to let you know that she has A BIG CONTEST going on that you should enter here!

The lowdown on my WIP

A couple weeks ago, my lovely CP Jenny Seay tagged me in a meme wherein you share some info on the novel you are working on. I've been doing my best to stay offline and work on said novel-in-progress, but I'm up early and thought answering a few q's about it might actually get me in the mindset to work on it after a weekend mostly off. Plus, I know I don't blog much anymore and it's been ages since I've had a book out, so I feel I owe you something besides my Rookie pieces.

What is the title of your next book?
Oh hmmm, this is not a good way to start off, but I'm very superstitious about sharing titles until the book is at least done and being shopped. So I have been referring to it publicly as The Contemporary YA... I will give you this, the working title comes from a Hole song....

Where did the idea come for the book?
In 2010, it rained so hard in my area that my basement flooded twice and the floods were exactly one month apart. It was stressful, but in dealing with it, I thought it could have been worse, especially if things of irreplaceable sentimental value had been down there. From there, my writer's imagination spiraled and I thought, what if a teenage girl's older brother had recently died and his room had been in the basement. I've found myself writing about grief a lot lately because I lost a friend in 2008, so this became an outlet for dealing with my own grief in a way. Also, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in high school and have wanted to write a story that deals with that for a long time, When I got to know Meredith, my main character, I realized that in trying to run from her grief and be "normal," she'd wound up in an unhealthy relationship. Oh and last but not least, since my book is set in place close to where BALLADS is set, I thought it might fun to refer back to that book in some way (I love it when Sarah Dessen and other authors do this!). Meredith attends a grief therapy group and I thought who better to lead that group than a grown-up Cass.

What genre does your book fall under?
Young Adult/Contemporary Fiction

What actors would you choose to play the part of your characters in a movie rendition?
Oh god, I am horrible at this sort of thing. The only actor I've ever imagined playing any of my characters is that I can see Madeleine Martin from Californication as Emily from IWBYJR. I don't have an actor in mind at ALL for Meredith. She tried very hard to be the normal teenage girl who blends in and she basically does. She's medium height with dirty blonde hair that she prefers to wear in a ponytail and she's thinner than she should be. So if anyone comes to mind, please tell me. It would be nice to have an image of her/start a Pinterest for this book.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?
Crap, horrible at this, too!!!! Umm....Okay, on the fly back jacket copy is the best I can do...
It's been almost a year since sixteen year-old Meredith Bell lost her older brother, Justin, and she's been trying to convince herself and everyone around her that she's fine. In fact her life couldn't be better, especially since she started dating Bret, a hot guitarist who she's been crushing on since freshman year. But when she discovers a connection between Bret and two people in her grief therapy group and Bret's grows increasingly controlling and overprotective, Meredith's perfect, "normal" world begins to fall apart.


Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
It will be represented by my amazing agent, Adrienne Rosado.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of the manuscript?
It's still in progress. Aiming to finish a shitty first draft by the end of February (with the help of the Ruby Slippered Sisterhood Winter Writing Festival!). Came up with the idea in November of 2010 and wrote the first few chapters while I was struggling with my bartender book. Started working on it in earnest in August of 2012.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
Um, my own? But I strive to write something as powerful as Holly Cupala, Sara Zarr, and Courtney Summers regularly do.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?
My own struggles with grief and an emotionally abusive relationship

What else about your book might pique the reader's interest?

Structurally the book is written alternating present and past tense. We meet Meredith on the day when everything really falls apart and flip back and forth between that and how it all happened. I posted an excerpt from the first past tense section on facebook last week. Here's a chunk from the present tense. This is how the book begins: 

When someone destroys something that really matters to you it’s worse than a punch in the face.

At least I think it might be. He never hit me, but sometimes I wish he had.

Actually I wish he would do it right now.

That’s a sick thing to wish for, isn’t it? But if he took a swing at me—especially here, in the middle of our high school hallway when it’s at max capacity moments before the first bell—it would all be out in the open for everyone to see and I would be able to stop questioning if the things he does are wrong because hitting someone definitely is.

Black-and-blue is black-and-white. It’s not a misunderstanding, a signal I misread, a joke that I didn’t get because I don’t have a sense of humor anymore, or something I’m blowing out of proportion because I’m crazy. No one would be able to say, “Meredith, it’s all in your head.” Not him, not Abby, not even me.

That’s not how he operates, though.

I already have an idea of what is going to happen. When I accidentally glanced across the hall and made eye contact with him, it was like looking in the rearview mirror, seeing a semi-truck hurtling down the hill behind you and visualizing the whole accident before it takes place, but not knowing how to prevent it. I guess I could’ve swerved into oncoming traffic, slamming my locker shut and shoving through the crowd like I thought I was late or something, but my body isn’t cooperating with my brain.

And there you have it. My current project. Now I am off to work on it!

GCC Presents: Lucienne Diver

My Girlfriends Cyber Circuit buddy Lucienne Diver has a new book out, FANGTABULOUS, the latest in her VAMPED series. Here's the lowdown!

About FANGTABULOUS:

Gina Covello and her band of federal fugitives are on the run after taking down a secret (and sinister) government facility. Strapped without cash or credit cards—a fate worse than death for Gina—the rebels must find a place to lay low. They roll into Salem, Massachusetts, the most haunted town in America and the only place they have friends flying under the radar. But within a day, Gina and her gang are embroiled in a murder mystery of the supernatural kind.

Someone—or something—is strangling young women, and it's rumored to be the ghost of Sheriff Corwin, late of the Salem Witch trials.  Is it the ghostly Sheriff or is someone on this side of the veil using the famous story as a cover up? Gina is determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, and she needs to do it before a paranormal reporter on the scene exposes them for what they are...fanged federal fugitives.

About the author:

Lucienne Diver writes the humorous, suspenseful Vamped series of young adult vampire novels for Flux Books, including Vamped, Revamped, Fangtastic and the most recent, Fangtabulous.  Her short stories have been included in the Strip-Mauled and Fangs for the Mammaries anthologies edited by Esther Friesner (Baen Books), and her essay on abuse is included in the anthology Dear Bully: 70 Authors Tell Their Stories (HarperTeen).  She also writes the Latter-Day Olympians urban fantasy series for Samhain (Bad Blood, Crazy in the Blood and the forthcoming Rise of the Blood).

The Interview:

Q: What inspired you to write this book?

LUCIENNE: The fact that my publisher made me an offer.  No, seriously!  When I turned in a proposal for the third book in the Vamped series, my publisher came back with an offer for two more.  Two!  Well, I didn’t have any idea in mind yet for the fourth book, but I was so thrilled at the faith they were showing that I went looking for inspiration.  I knew that I wanted to take my characters to Salem, Massachusetts, the most haunted town in America, and my visit to the town was so inspiring that the plot suggested itself.

Q: The main character of my first book, I WANNA BE YOUR JOEY RAMONE, is the kind of girl I wanted to be (a rock star!), the MC of my second book has a lot more in common with teenage me. Is your main character someone you wish you could be, someone a lot like you, or your total opposite? How so?

LUCIENNE: My heroine is a fanged fashionista very concerned with beautifying herself and the world; she’s about as far from the teenaged me as I can imagine.  I was never the popular girl and I never had her confidence.  Maybe that was why I had so much fun knocking her off her throne—killing her off before the first book even begins only to have her rise from the dead with no way to fix her hair and make-up, her old life gone.  But Gina’s a tough one.  She puts on her big girl panties and deals with it.  I guess I admire her for the strength that she always shows and the new depth to her character that develops as the series goes along.

Q: If there was a soundtrack for your book what are five songs that would be on it and how do they relate the story?

LUCIENNE: “Psycho” by Puddle of Mudd – for obvious reasons
 “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven - because it’s kind of creepy awesome and suggests possession of a sort, as in Fangtabulous (just check out the “Paralyzer” video!)
“My Immortal” by Evanescence - because really it’s perfect.
“Distance” by Christina Perri – this is how my heroine is toward her white knight
“Slide” by the Goo Goo Dolls – because it involves the choice to run or to commit, and it’s one my characters have to face in Fangtabulous

Q: In addition to writing books, I also write for a website for teens called Rookie, which has a regular feature called "Literally The Best Thing Ever," wherein we write about a thing that we think is super mega awesome (even if it is the type of thing that others might call a guilty pleasure, we believe there is nothing guilty about pleasure!) and explain why we think it is literally the best thing ever. It's generally a kind of unexpected thing, for example I wrote one about the soap opera, One Life To Live. I don't expect you to write a whole essay obviously, but can you briefly tell us what either you or your character (or both!) would say is "Literally The Best Thing Ever" and why?

LUCIENNE: Since we’re on the topic of music, I’d have to say that Christina Perri is “Literally The Best Thing Ever.”  I’ve loved her since I heard “Jar of Hearts” on the show So You Think You Can Dance, which is one of my addictions.  I bought her CD Lovestrong in preparation to see her and Jason Mraz in concert, because I was very familiar with his work, but not as familiar with Christina Perri’s other songs.  It’s quickly become one of my favorite CDs.  Her music is haunting, her minor chords speak to me, and her song “Arms” is practically the story of my courtship with my husband.  In concert, she’s amazing.  So much stage presence, so much heart and soul and pain in her music.  I believe she mentioned that she wrote “Tragedy” when she was seventeen.  I’m blown away by her talent and the feelings expressed in her music.  If as a writer I can learn to express myself half so well I’ll count it a victory.

Q: What are you working on for us next?

LUCIENNE: Once I turn in the third novel in my Latter-Day Olympians urban fantasy series for Samhain and a short story in the same universe, I’m going to go back to work on a novel that’s been calling to me for some time.  It’s quite a bit darker than my tongue-in-cheek Vamped series and is going to be a real challenge for me, but I also think it’s going to be very rewarding in the long run, especially if I can learn anything from Christina Perri and her inspiring songwriting. 

Reflections, Accomplishments & Hopes for a New Year

It's that time of year when we take a hard look at what we've done and assess how we want to improve and move forward. This is something I'm doing constantly, but it does seem important to take a moment to write it all down, especially since I feel like I have learned a lot about myself this year, and especially this past month or two.

I started out 2012 miserable and full of self-doubt. It was a long-time coming. These feelings had been building for a couple of years, so I declared 2012, the year of re-evaluation. I had to figure out what made me happy. More specifically, I had to figure out if writing still made me happy or if I was done, ready for a complete change of career and life focus.

I went back and forth, up and down about this. I'd spend a month deeply in love with storytelling and then three months hating every word I wrote or hating myself for writing. I felt like I'd finally gotten on the right track again in September and then had an absolute breakdown, my biggest crisis of faith yet in November, which I documented in this piece for Rookie--possibly the best, most honest, real and in-the-moment piece I've written for Rookie.

In July, I decided to go back to therapy for the first time in roughly nine or ten years. I was deeply depressed and anxious, especially about writing, and I couldn't do the re-evaluation thing on my own. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Not only did I benefit personally, I figured out a lot about my own writing. I put all the writing tips I gleaned from my therapist in this YA Outside the Lines post.

Perhaps the most important of those tips was be grateful for and recognize my accomplishments, big and small. So here's what I've done in 2012

• Knitted one hat and one scarf for my mother, and one hooded baby blanket for my friend's first child. Started my first knitting project for myself, a skirt.



• Taught 16 students in a Young Adult Fiction class at Columbia College and read well over 1000 pages of their work.
• Grew lettuce, strawberries, tomatoes, green beans, many varieties of peppers, many types of herbs, quite a few flowers.



• Made countless vegan meals, tried and even invented several new recipes.
• Got my eleventh tattoo. (It's Latin for "breathe.")

• Joined my local library board.
• Tended bar three nights a week and briefly made a tumblr about my adventures.
• Visited my favorite place on earth, Seattle.



• Saw (and met!) Mark Lanegan (whose music inspires my writing big-time), as well Garbage, Social Distortion, and several amazing bands (and legends like Iggy Pop!) at Riot Fest.
• Hosted a college friend for about half the year and went on adventures with her like to my first Renaissance Faire.



• Visited with several other friends from out of town, reconnected with my childhood best friend/sister after she moved back, spent as much time as I could with my amazing teenage niece who is my heroine, and made the ultimate birthday package for my BFF to celebrate eighteen years of friendship.
• Went to my first Comic Con where I met people like the stars of one of my all-time favorite shows, Twin Peaks.



• Went to my first RT convention, participated in a panel about boundaries in YA and in Teen Day. Met Francine Pascal, author of the Sweet Valley series that ruled my childhood.





• Watched the last five seasons of Buffy for the first time, all five seasons of Angel for the first time, and most recently, watched all of the first season of Game of Thrones in 3 days.
• Turned old t-shirts into new shirts, and in one case, a dress.



• Celebrated my third wedding anniversary in Portland, Oregon. We also visited the gorgeous Oregon coast and met up with one of my best writing buds, Tara Kelly, who took this photo of us.

• Nursed my elderly cat/best friend of 17 years, Sid, for several months and then said a sad but beautiful farewell to him the weekend after Thanksgiving and wrote him a tribute.
  
• Wrote 17 columns for my local newspaper, the Forest Park Review.
• Wrote 20 essays, some deeply personal, others pure fun, for Rookie as well as countless reviews of books, movies, TV shows, music, hot chocolate, candy, and electronic items that do and should exist.
• Wrote my first essay for Ms. Fit Magazine, a real world feminist fitness magazine that will debut in January of 2013.
• Made zines with my niece and her BFF at a Rookie Road Trip event.

• Took part in an amazing reading to celebrate the release of ROOKIE YEARBOOK ONE.
• Did a vlog to celebrate the release of the DEAR TEEN ME anthology, which features my letter to my teenage self about an abusive relationship.
• Researched (both by visiting the library and sneaking into a cemetery after hours) and wrote my first short story in umm... eight years? It's a ghost story--my personal twist on a local urban legend about a hitchhiking phantom flapper--which will come out next October in an anthology called VERY SUPERSTITIOUS published by Month9Books.
• Went on a writing retreat in Arizona.



• Wrote about 50,000 words of one YA novel (ie. the Modern Myth YA)
• Wrote about 60,000 words of another YA novel (ie. the Contemporary YA)

Yeah, looking back, even though I often beat myself up for not doing enough... that's a lot of stuff! Sure, I wish that total of 110,000 words could have been on one novel so I could feel like I finished a big project this year. And of course what I really wish is that "sold a book" could be one of the bullet points, but I worked hard and I have to be proud of what I have accomplished and the difficulties like losing Sid that I got through.

I guess the biggest question is what came of my self/life evaluation in the year of evaluation?

Ultimately, I've decided that while writing doesn't always make me happy and the current state of my career (or more specifically the way I've had to cobble together way too much work that pays way too little to support my writing habit), writing will always be a part of my life. I'm hoping that 2013 will bring adjustments and changes that will make me happier. The biggest one is that my husband and I are hoping...or at this point PLANNING to move to Seattle in summer of 2013. I need a fresh start in a place that I actually like. I grew up in Chicago and came back for school, but then got stuck here. It's not where I feel like I belong. I'm hoping that going where I feel like I do belong will shake things up a bit. It will definitely mean a job change. Bartending has its moments and it did inspire an entire (though as of yet unsold) book, but like all service industry jobs it can be really draining and demeaning. I have discovered a love of teaching this year and especially a love of writing for and connecting with teenage girls via Rookie. I'm hoping to find a job that incorporate both of those things--maybe some sort of after school arts program for young people that I can teach in. I'm not sure what is out there, but I'nm hoping to find something, and it may be a full-time something meaning novel writing will have to fit in other places in my life. I want to have nights to read and spend time with my husband, weekends to go on adventures with him. That will be the priority once we move out west. 

Writing for Rookie is my other big priority. It doesn't pay much, but every piece I craft for them, I put my heart and soul into the same as I have my novels. I'm able to write incredibly personal things and I feel like I'm a part of the type of publication I'd been dreaming of since I was thirteen years old. Rookie readers are my audience, always have been, and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to share my words and stories with them.

As for my fictional stories, my novels, my career as Stephanie Kuehnert, YA author (or just author in general), I still hope and dream and work my ass off in hopes that 2013 will be the year it relaunches. (13 is my lucky number after all.) I'm taking much needed time off until after the New Year, but then I will get back back the Contemporary YA and I hope to finish it in a month or three. After that, I will return to and reevaluate the Modern Myth YA. Maybe I'll press on with it as it is, maybe I'll re-write it again, or maybe I'll decided it needs a different form--a TV pilot instead of a book, perhaps. 

I'm not setting deadlines or making specific goals. I just want to keep doing what I've been doing--finding the faith and the drive to keep writing and enjoy writing each day that I sit down to do it. To treasure life's sweet moments, to find something to be grateful for every day.

Oh and I think I might sign up for a spinning class....

What about you? What were your accomplishments big and small in 2012 and what are you hoping to do in 2013?