Sorry to get all self-affirmation on you there, but I've been feeling shitty lately. Surrounded by big black clouds and all that not fun stuff. I feel like I'm turning into Eeyore and I don't want to be.
Last night at work was the fourth really bad shift in a row. Like not making at all what I need to bad and with the exception of Black Wednesday it's pretty much been this way since my wedding in October. And, yanno, weddings cost $. My wedding was not super expensive, but it still led me to take a lot more out of savings than I would have liked. And I'm trying to rebuild that savings so I use it to pay my property taxes next year and buy holiday gifts (I'm really resenting this whole holiday gift thing. Can't spending time with people count?) and to go on a little tiny much smaller than our daydreams honeymoon next month. But the rebuilding is not happening. In fact the normal amount of money to pay bills thing is not even happening. And that makes me think I need to go back to a regular job. And that is a thought that brings on anxiety attacks.
And then there is the whole writing thing which is not going as well as I would like. I have this idea that really means a lot to me. Like as much or more than Ballads a lot. But it's not coming out right and I get frustrated. And I think I am not cut out for this. I am not good enough to write this idea. And even if I write it, well I worked really hard on Ballads and I am not satisfied with how it is doing and I feel helpless to do anything for it. Burned out. Basically I am burned out. But I'm a fighter and I don't want to give up.
Except on nights like last night. Last night I walked into the bar and had one customer. Two hours later, I only had one more customer and my mood grew darker and darker still. And my one customer noticed and she grumbled at me something along the lines of "when you are negative, you attract negativity."
And I started crying. Right there. At work. I started crying. Because I knew she was right. Because that was in fact something I swore by. I whined pathetically, "But I am trying so hard not to be negative. I can't..."
And my customer said, "Oh poor baby come here" And she held open her arms and I ran around to her side of the bar and hugged her. And she hugged me for a really long time and was kind of crying herself and also kind of laughing. And she insisted I watch something she found funny on YouTube on her computer. And I dried my eyes and did and we laughed. And she told me that the full moon was waning and this meant all the negativity was draining away and by the new moon on 12/16 or the day after it 12/17, things would be good. And I told her I would try to believe in that.
And I am trying to believe in that. I'm also trying to believe that when I chant it's doing something. But sometimes I have a hard time in believing in any of that and I need concrete things.
I'd hoped today would be a better day, but again I struggled with the writing. Then I got a frustrating letter reminding me of a frustrating situation with the person who has caused some of the most frustration in my life. I lost my last hour and a half of writing to this frustration. But I went downstairs and had a really strong workout and then I went to writer's group and wrote a semi-decent scene.
I have direction for tomorrow and I'm trying to believe in myself. I hate when I get negative. I hate feeling like I'm being pathetic/whining/wallowing because I know other people have it worse. A lot worse. After all I just wrote this newspaper column about local homelessness. But sometimes you just have to vent, like I did just now. Sometimes you have to cry in the arms of a customer at work as stupid as you feel about it. Sometimes you have to listen to that person about the moon and you have to make yourself believe in what they are saying. Sometimes you have to hug the person you love the most as tightly as you possibly can and remember that your ability to do so is the most important thing and that will give you strength to do the other important things.
So now I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to read beside my sleeping husband for a little while. And I'm reading the book Shadowland by Alyson Noel, an author I admire and consider a friend, an author who didn't hit the NYT bestseller list until her 8th (I think?) book. She's an inspiration and her books are amazing.
Tomorrow when I wake up I will think about her and the moon and the hug and I will write and things will get better even though there is a snowstorm coming which will undoubtedly make my next shift at work really shitty. But maybe not. Who knows. My dead Sunday night improved a little against expectations after that hug. So goddammit, I'm going to keep trying to hug the negativity away.